


"Carry On": Around Again

by interstellarstars



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M, my first of many fix it fics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-20
Updated: 2020-11-20
Packaged: 2021-03-09 17:42:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27640174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/interstellarstars/pseuds/interstellarstars
Summary: The problem is that he knows that if he dies, no one else will save the world.  It is a heavy burden to bear, but Dean knows he must bear it, because to put it onto anyone else would be an act of pure evil.Dean is a hunter because to be a hunter is to suffer, and Dean wants to suffer (He just doesn’t want anyone else to).Or,My interpretation of the shitshow of 15x20big TW for suicide and suicidal ideation.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 1
Kudos: 16





	"Carry On": Around Again

Dean wants to die.

  
  


He has wanted to die for as long as he can remember. Since childhood with slammed doors and bleeding lips. Since promises he knew would be broken, and after that too. When Sam left him, when he came back, and when trust was lost and found. 

  
  


Several times, Dean gets his wish. He goes to Hell, Heaven, he strolls town as a ghost, half dead, half alive, but he always comes back. To life. He always comes back, he always keeps fighting. Sometimes he fights whatever is thrown at him with genuine fervor of someone trying to save the world, but mostly he fights because he is supposed to; he is supposed to care about the end of the world. 

  
  


He tries to care.

  
  


The problem is that he knows that if he dies, no one else will save the world. It is a heavy burden to bear, but Dean knows he must bear it, because to put it onto anyone else would be an act of pure evil. 

  
  


Dean is a hunter because to be a hunter is to suffer, and Dean wants to suffer (He just doesn’t want anyone else to).

  
  


Dean makes a promise to himself. He promises that he will fight evil until there is no more left to fight. Once the coast is clear on doomsdays, then Dean will go. He never plans how, he just knows. He will go.

  
  


So when Dean and his brother take a beating from God, the biggest of bads, to overcome his plan, Dean decides  _ what else is here for me. _

  
  


So, Dean gets up early and hammers a nail into a wooden post. He knows Sam is not stupid enough to be hurt by it, and he also knows that Sam is not sad enough to know this nail is his suicide note. 

  
  


It is the easiest thing Dean has ever done. He lets himself be backed into the nail. He feels it pierce through his skin and muscle and bones. He feels his entire body crack, and he lets out a laugh because death fucking hurts (he knows this of course) but it also feels like getting drunk for the first time.

  
  


He tells the truth when he says he’s proud of Sam. It’s hard to say goodbye. But there is no one left for Dean to feel like he needs to protect. Sammy can take care of himself. Dean needs to go.

  
  


He dies, and then he wakes up.

  
  


_ “I’m the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition.” _

  
  


The thing is, Dean knows where he is, it’s easy to place. It is where (and when) he meets Castiel. And Dean remembers the future. 

  
  


“ _ This is your problem, Dean. You have no faith.” _

  
  


He knows what he is about to say.

  
  


_ “Some angel you are.” _

  
  


Of course he has been here before, but there is an overwhelming feeling of newness to it. No, a lack of something that once was.

  
  


Dean doesn’t want to die.

  
  


For the next ten years, he doesn’t want to die. He fights for everything that he knows will happen -- a second time -- but he is alive during it, truly, wholeheartedly  _ alive. _

  
  


There are times he wishes that he could say certain things. He wants to say what he feels, but he can’t, because his first time around he didn’t feel them. 

  
  


Then, there is Cas’ goodbye. Dean fights to undo it, but like the last ten years, he can only perform the play of his life, not alter the script.

  
  


Finally, the nail. This time, it is excruciating. The pain is so unbearable, but he chokes out the same word to Sam that he said nearly ten years prior. And then he dies.

  
  


Again.

  
  


And he wakes up.

  
  


Again.

  
  


“Hello, Dean.”

  
  


For the first time in a long time, Dean doesn’t know what is going to happen next. He can’t speak. He can’t open his eyes, he just knows he is conscious. And he knows that voice, and how it's the one he wants to hear so badly. 

  
  


“I’m sorry,” Cas says.

  
  


Dean starts to cough. Which, he knows, means he’s breathing. Which means… he’s alive? 

  
“I’m so sorry,” Cas repeats. 

  
  


Dean gasps, and opens his eyes. He doesn’t know where he is, but he sees Castiel sitting a few yards away from him.

“You’re… sorry?” Dean chokes out.

  
  


“I’m selfish. It was so, so selfish. You hate me.”

  
  


“Cas -- I -- What the hell is going on?”

  
  


“You killed yourself, Dean. But… so did I.”

  
  


Dean just stares. As he does, ten years of finally  _ feeling  _ emotion for his life comes flooding back into him. He starts to cough again.

  
  


“It’ll take some getting used to,” Cas says.

  
  


“What will?” Dean asks, as gently as possible. He can see that Cas is afraid.

  
  


“We’re in some sort of limbo. One last cruel joke of Chuck’s.”

  
  


“Why is it cruel?” Dean asks.

  
  


Cas flinches. He looks at Dean in the same way that he always had, in a way that Dean never understood until he lived part of his life a second time. Cas had always loved him. 

  
  


“I made you live ten years over again. You wanted to die, but now you’re here with me. I’m sorry.”

  
  


“Cas... “ Dean starts. But where does he start? How does he explain that some sort of twisted dream was the best part of Dean’s life? “You did that?”

  
Cas nods.

  
  


“Thank you.”

  
  


Dean explains first: 

_  
_ _ I didn’t feel anything. My father hit me, and my brother hated me. I wanted to die my whole life.  _

  
  


Then it’s Castiel’s turn:

_ I died to save you and was thrown out of the Empty. I watched you for the next few months until you killed yourself. My sacrifice, thrown away.  _

  
  


Dean, again:

_ I didn’t know who I was. I lived for pain and I was in so much of it. I didn’t know what it meant to feel anything other than longing for the end. _

  
  


Cas:

_ I still don’t know where we are. But I had a choice to send you back to a moment. I know you don’t feel the same, but I wanted to watch you and I from another point of view. I really do love you, Dean. _

  
  


Dean:

_ I don’t know what you did. But you… changed how I lived that. I felt everything. What I didn’t feel before. And… I love you. I loved you ten years and I couldn't do anything about it. _

  
  


Cas:

_ It had to be the same. _

  
  


Dean:

_ What do we do now? _

  
  


The answer was not  _ what _ they do next. Dean and Cas never had much choice in  _ what. _ There might have been a way out of the limbo they were in. But the two never searched for it. Because in that limbo, Dean got to feel what it was like to be in love. Cas got to feel what it was like to believe he  _ is _ loved.

  
  


The answer was never in what to do next. When one lives a life full of the supernatural, almost anything is possible. But Dean never cared what monster he would fight next when he was alive. No one really did.

  
  


_ Limbo, “ _ _ an uncertain period of awaiting a decision or resolution; an intermediate state or condition.” _

  
  


Or as Cas and Dean liked to call it:

  
  


Home.

  
  



End file.
